I thought I'd write a quick post on having had a few good days then it ends. I'm guessing all of us with bpd experience this. The highs and lows that come so quickly, sometimes in a matter of hours.
I've had 3 really good days, I've faced work head on even though I'm struggling with it at the moment and my mood has just been good, no thoughts of self harm, no thoughts of suicide, just 3 " normal" days.
And yet today it has all come to an end. I have no idea why, nothing has changed I haven't even gone to work yet. My mood has just dropped, I feel empty and flat like there is no more to give. Horrible thoughts have returned, exit plans are ruminating in my head. Judging by today already it looks like this weeks going to be a tough one.
As hard as it is I need to accept this is just the way things are, and that just as my mood has dropped it can return to where it was just as quickly. This is what wise mind tells me. Emotional mind tells me living like this is a horrible nightmare not knowing where I'll be mentally 1 day to another.
So I'll end this post trying my hardest to stay in wise mind but I can't promise anything!
Monday, 16 April 2012
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Beginnings..early years
So beginnings I thought was my mums death. It was after this that my mental health began to decline. But no, when i really think about it and go right back it was in my childhood that things started to go wrong.
Maybe I can pin point beginnings to my dads violent behaviour and outbursts after he'd been drinking. I'd stay in my bed curled up in a ball scared he would hurt my mum or come into my bedroom for me.
More likely it's from when I was nearly 15 and my mum told my dad she was leaving him and I was going with her. He reacted by beating her up in front of my eyes. I was unable to do anything about it, I froze and then went into automatic mode simply fetching my school shoes and then standing at the backdoor (after ringing my aunty for help). He spat tea in my face as I stood on the doorstep and called me a bitch. My mum got to her feet and grabbed just her purse and key and we ran from the house. I can remember all her change falling out of the purse and her fumbling on the floor trying to retrieve it all. I screamed at her to run to leave the money. We made it down the road when my aunty pulled up to rescue us.
My dad then stalked us for over a year despite injunctions against him. We had to spend a year in Bed & Breakfast accommodation ...we were homeless. I had to have teachers collect me from B&B and take me back to ensure I was safe.
It was during the time in B&B that I first thought of taking my life, I was 15. I didn't try anything just felt the pain and had ideas of how I could do it to get me out of the horrible situation. I began falling behind at school doing my GCSE's and the school suggested I drop subjects that weren't as valuable just to concentrate on the main ones.
What followed were tough years, my mum trying to raise me on her own despite her own depression and low self esteem. She told me once she wanted to end it all and kill herself. All I remember doing was begging her not to. Thankfully she didn't. During the year my dad stalked us he sent me a suicide letter with his plans etc. Apparently he did attempt suicide.
It was when my mum was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 24 that I first went to the GP and said I was struggling and feeling depressed. I came out of that appointment with Prozac ...the first of many medications I would got on to have.
It wasn't until after my mums death that my first episode of self harm actually happened. I sat in my bedroom and took a razor blade and took that first cut. I had been numb since my mums death 3 months prior not even being able to cry, the cut made me feel real again and the pain was nothing compared to what my mum had felt before her death.
And so the cutting became a coping mechanism that was used on and off for 8 years before my first suicide attempt in 2008 . That is where I became involved with mental health services.
Maybe I can pin point beginnings to my dads violent behaviour and outbursts after he'd been drinking. I'd stay in my bed curled up in a ball scared he would hurt my mum or come into my bedroom for me.
More likely it's from when I was nearly 15 and my mum told my dad she was leaving him and I was going with her. He reacted by beating her up in front of my eyes. I was unable to do anything about it, I froze and then went into automatic mode simply fetching my school shoes and then standing at the backdoor (after ringing my aunty for help). He spat tea in my face as I stood on the doorstep and called me a bitch. My mum got to her feet and grabbed just her purse and key and we ran from the house. I can remember all her change falling out of the purse and her fumbling on the floor trying to retrieve it all. I screamed at her to run to leave the money. We made it down the road when my aunty pulled up to rescue us.
My dad then stalked us for over a year despite injunctions against him. We had to spend a year in Bed & Breakfast accommodation ...we were homeless. I had to have teachers collect me from B&B and take me back to ensure I was safe.
It was during the time in B&B that I first thought of taking my life, I was 15. I didn't try anything just felt the pain and had ideas of how I could do it to get me out of the horrible situation. I began falling behind at school doing my GCSE's and the school suggested I drop subjects that weren't as valuable just to concentrate on the main ones.
What followed were tough years, my mum trying to raise me on her own despite her own depression and low self esteem. She told me once she wanted to end it all and kill herself. All I remember doing was begging her not to. Thankfully she didn't. During the year my dad stalked us he sent me a suicide letter with his plans etc. Apparently he did attempt suicide.
It was when my mum was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 24 that I first went to the GP and said I was struggling and feeling depressed. I came out of that appointment with Prozac ...the first of many medications I would got on to have.
It wasn't until after my mums death that my first episode of self harm actually happened. I sat in my bedroom and took a razor blade and took that first cut. I had been numb since my mums death 3 months prior not even being able to cry, the cut made me feel real again and the pain was nothing compared to what my mum had felt before her death.
And so the cutting became a coping mechanism that was used on and off for 8 years before my first suicide attempt in 2008 . That is where I became involved with mental health services.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
The end of the road to lithium
So today I had my appointment with my worker. I knew it was going to be a struggle when I began crying to myself whilst sat in the chmt waiting room.
She came to collect me and said I seemed full of it... She knows me too well. From then and for the duration of the appointment an hour and fifteen minutes i cried. Not wailing sobs just those ones that trickle out gently even when you think you've stopped a lonely tear falls down your cheek.
Things are just getting to much at the moment work especially. I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything. So when she said she needed to be honest with me I knew things were gonna get a whole lot worse.
10 days ago I had my blood tests done for going back on lithium. Having had 9 months stable on it before I had faith in it working again. But today she told me she couldn't take the risk working with me on lithium. She feels it is too dangerous for me. She said I could still push for lithium but I would have to have a new worker, one that felt comfortable with me being on it. That just isn't a possibility, I am starting to get attached to her there is no way I want a new worker. She did then follow that comment up with she will work with me if I'm put on a different mood stabiliser. So I left it at that as it'll be discussed with psychiatrist in 3 weeks.
We made a start on the self help book The Angry Heart, it warned in the introduction it will be an emotional journey and it seems that way already. I have to write in a journal as part of it, that I'm gonna face later on in the week.
So the whole appointment was pretty emotional. I then had to put in a 6 hour shift at work. I honestly don't know how I've done it.
And where does it leave me now? Not on the road to lithium where I wanted to be that's for sure. Dbt skill radical acceptance may be required for now until my medication review in 3 weeks. And I need to look into other mood stabilisers ....
She came to collect me and said I seemed full of it... She knows me too well. From then and for the duration of the appointment an hour and fifteen minutes i cried. Not wailing sobs just those ones that trickle out gently even when you think you've stopped a lonely tear falls down your cheek.
Things are just getting to much at the moment work especially. I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything. So when she said she needed to be honest with me I knew things were gonna get a whole lot worse.
10 days ago I had my blood tests done for going back on lithium. Having had 9 months stable on it before I had faith in it working again. But today she told me she couldn't take the risk working with me on lithium. She feels it is too dangerous for me. She said I could still push for lithium but I would have to have a new worker, one that felt comfortable with me being on it. That just isn't a possibility, I am starting to get attached to her there is no way I want a new worker. She did then follow that comment up with she will work with me if I'm put on a different mood stabiliser. So I left it at that as it'll be discussed with psychiatrist in 3 weeks.
We made a start on the self help book The Angry Heart, it warned in the introduction it will be an emotional journey and it seems that way already. I have to write in a journal as part of it, that I'm gonna face later on in the week.
So the whole appointment was pretty emotional. I then had to put in a 6 hour shift at work. I honestly don't know how I've done it.
And where does it leave me now? Not on the road to lithium where I wanted to be that's for sure. Dbt skill radical acceptance may be required for now until my medication review in 3 weeks. And I need to look into other mood stabilisers ....
Monday, 9 April 2012
If only it were that easy!
"Don't let it bother you" something that is said to me at least a few times everyday. Sometimes its colleagues or sometimes my fiancé or friends. They say it after I've told them about something I've seen or if someone has upset me, the latter being the most frequent. I can't ever get across that it does really bother me. It bothers me so much I feel terrible about myself. It bothers me that someone can be so horrid to another human being. It bothers me so much I can't think of anything else. It bothers me so much sometimes that I want to kill myself so I don't have to ever be made to feel that way again. And they say "well don't let it bother you".
If only it were that easy with bpd.
If only it were that easy with bpd.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
My first week of blogging
I have been debating whether or not to blog for nearly 3 years. Not only was I worried about opening myself up to the world but the fact it could be triggering to myself.
When I first started self harming just after my mum's death I kept a little journal. I only posted in it maybe 10 times but it was really powerful stuff that then left me re-reading it and then harming more. So I stopped writing it.
Through twitter I've met some great people with bpd whom through their blogs I can relate to.Reading them helps remind me I'm not alone and all the things I feel with bpd are ok.
So on Monday I took my first steps into the world of blogging. Twitter is where I can be the real me so I wasn't afraid to share it through it. Facebook however is the false me and I just can't open up my blog to all my friends/family. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough but not yet. I did direct message my blog link to a handful of friends through Facebook. These were people who I knew wouldn't judge me. Their feedback has been positive thanking me for letting them in on something so private and telling me how brave I am. Brave I am not... Just trying to help spread awareness of bpd whilst trying to protect myself.
So after a week of blogging I feel i am doing the right thing. It hasn't triggered me so far and I feel it may be a new outlet when emotions get too much. If you are reading this and don't know whether to blog .... try it, even if no-one even reads this I'm not bothered it is helping me.
When I first started self harming just after my mum's death I kept a little journal. I only posted in it maybe 10 times but it was really powerful stuff that then left me re-reading it and then harming more. So I stopped writing it.
Through twitter I've met some great people with bpd whom through their blogs I can relate to.Reading them helps remind me I'm not alone and all the things I feel with bpd are ok.
So on Monday I took my first steps into the world of blogging. Twitter is where I can be the real me so I wasn't afraid to share it through it. Facebook however is the false me and I just can't open up my blog to all my friends/family. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough but not yet. I did direct message my blog link to a handful of friends through Facebook. These were people who I knew wouldn't judge me. Their feedback has been positive thanking me for letting them in on something so private and telling me how brave I am. Brave I am not... Just trying to help spread awareness of bpd whilst trying to protect myself.
So after a week of blogging I feel i am doing the right thing. It hasn't triggered me so far and I feel it may be a new outlet when emotions get too much. If you are reading this and don't know whether to blog .... try it, even if no-one even reads this I'm not bothered it is helping me.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
I hate goodbyes
Today I had to say goodbye to 2 managers at work. Due to management restructure they had been made redundant. They were brilliant managers and they were part of my work family. We all started at our store when it opened 5 years ago and together we have seen changes and the good and bad things that happen to each other.
One of the managers was my line manager and such was his caring nature he visited me in 2009 when I was on a mental health ward for 7 months. He only came once but that was enough to show that he cared and that I wasn't far from their minds at work.
So at lunch today a buffet was put on for the staff and the 2 managers sat and reminisced with us all. For the half hour I was there all I could think about was having to say goodbye. I knew I would cry and was worried I'd look silly in front of everyone. The time came and i did cry, I could barely get any words out when I was trying to thank him for his support through my mental health problems.
I know everyone hates goodbyes but I really do find them difficult even when I am not that close to someone. Perhaps it's because things will change when someone leaves in any situation. I'm just not sure but know I'm dreading the next goodbye to whoever it is.
One of the managers was my line manager and such was his caring nature he visited me in 2009 when I was on a mental health ward for 7 months. He only came once but that was enough to show that he cared and that I wasn't far from their minds at work.
So at lunch today a buffet was put on for the staff and the 2 managers sat and reminisced with us all. For the half hour I was there all I could think about was having to say goodbye. I knew I would cry and was worried I'd look silly in front of everyone. The time came and i did cry, I could barely get any words out when I was trying to thank him for his support through my mental health problems.
I know everyone hates goodbyes but I really do find them difficult even when I am not that close to someone. Perhaps it's because things will change when someone leaves in any situation. I'm just not sure but know I'm dreading the next goodbye to whoever it is.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Strange wobble at work
So yesterday I had a really weird day at work. I started my late shift at 2pm and was feeling ok. An hour or so later I had problems with a label printer it just wasn't working and kept telling me there was an error. After a few attempts I lost my temper and used the phrase I hate to use " it always happens to me". My manager came over and told me there was a problem with it and IT were sorting it.... All this stress could have been avoided if someone had told me. The result of a silly situation was I had to take some diazepam as prn to calm down. As the diazepam kicked in so did the yawns and feeling drowsy.
2 hours later while just chatting to a colleague I got upset from nowhere, I couldn't control the tears and I was on a shop floor with customers around. My colleague was supportive as always and I went on to pull myself together.
I just can't explain what happened and how my mood can change so quickly from ok to angry to stressed to sad. God I hate this illness and trying to carry on working with it is so hard, I'm surprised I haven't been sacked for what must look like bad behaviour.
2 hours later while just chatting to a colleague I got upset from nowhere, I couldn't control the tears and I was on a shop floor with customers around. My colleague was supportive as always and I went on to pull myself together.
I just can't explain what happened and how my mood can change so quickly from ok to angry to stressed to sad. God I hate this illness and trying to carry on working with it is so hard, I'm surprised I haven't been sacked for what must look like bad behaviour.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)