This anger has been building since Monday. Today is Friday. It is snowballing. I feel like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode. I actually feel I want to be physical with my anger and hurt either myself or someone else.
If I had the Amitryiptiline now I have ordered on Tuesday I would take it., Od on it, I know 30@50 mg is enough to cause series harm if not death. As it is at the moment it's what I want. I want this to end, the mood swings, the anger the failure... Everything.
Yesterday at working had to go in the yard, just lying there was a metre glass shelf shattered in bits. I was triggered instantly, my first thought being glass-cut-hurt-bleed-ease anger. This I know cannot be normal.
Sometimes I don't think L my care coordinator understands how bad things are and how serious my thoughts are. Maybe an overdose of any kind would prove that. I feel because I've not Od for ages everyone thinks things are ok. Do I have to prove my pain by doing something?
Maybe I should buy some rope, I've googled how to make a noose and use it in the garage. The garage has metal beams they've been used to lift an engine out a car so must be able to take my weight. I tried hanging myself once on a general ward after I'd had surgery on my stomach because I'd stabbed myself. I had gone to the bathroom and there was a dressing gown cord in there. I stood on a dressing stool under a coat hook on the wall. I tied rope around my neck and the hook, I kicked away the stool and hung there feeling the oxygen be cut off. Then the coat hook broke and I fell to the floor.
The beams in the garage wouldn't do that they are strong steel. I'll keep this idea and pick up some rope of I see any around.
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