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Friday, 4 May 2012

Struggling

So I feel like I need to blog, no i'll rephrase that, I feel like I should blog. Though I dont have anything specific to blog about.

It's been another tough week. I've managed to go to work and complete my shifts somehow, but at night time my thoughts have turned really negative. I've had suicidal thoughts again quite strong but I've taken my night meds and have then fallen to sleep stopping the thoughts being actioned.

Today feels different, I've woken up with same thoughts that I went to bed with ... Suicidal ones.

I have nothing to hand in the house to do anything. My meds are all weekly so
nowhere near enough. To get other paracetamol would mean going to several different places. And to be honest although I have the thoughts and urges I don't think I have the energy to go to 4 different places.

What I am on the verge of doing is ordering some Amitriptyline online. I want these as a "get out plan", I'm not saying I would take them, I just know I would feel better having them in the house as a "way out".

So that's where I am at. Feeling pretty crap and I have a shift at work to get through later.

I'm sorry my blog posts are so negative at the moment but I suppose blogging is about what's happening and that just happens to be bad stuff.

Thanks for reading x
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4 comments:

  1. Stuck with BPD4 May 2012 at 04:17

    dont feel sorry for how you feel. i know what you mean with a safety net, trust me! all i have is cocodamol which i have been told can be "sneakily" dangerous, ie do damage in a few years after overdose. so, i dont have a safety net apart from my scissors, so i know how scary it is. i also had a night last week where the usual "going to sleep" plan didnt work either. it was horrible. i wont tell you to "wait for it to go away" cos i HATE that lol. just watch tv or stay online for a while, just a minute at a time xxxxx

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  2. bpd_slave4 May 2012 at 04:30

    I know the intensity will go away, that's the nature of bpd. But when professionals say that they never say what I am thinking which is I know the feeling will come back just as quick as it went. That's what makes me question if a life with bpd is worth living. Whenever you think your ok it all changes again and your not : ( xxx

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  3. Stuck with BPD4 May 2012 at 04:40

    aw i know :( so many good days (or hours) are soon ruined. does the depression last longer than other symptoms with you too? xxx

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    Replies
    1. bpd_slave4 May 2012 at 04:57

      Yes. Was severely depressed for 6 mths when I was in hospital for 7 mths. Trazodone I'm on now has been the most effective in treating the depressive episodes. X

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