Anger

I'm am full of anger as I write this but figured it might be a safe outlet. It's all stemmed from my psych appointment yesterday with my care co-ordinator. It was mainly a medication review but a bit of my care plan crept into it to.

Our last appointment had ended abruptly when I walked out as I wasn't being listened to.
He opened with apologising that it had ended the way it did and was sorry I felt the way I did.
After a long chat he asked how I felt about an increase in my quetiapine . I wasn't thrilled but listened to his reasons and how he felt it would help me.
I questioned the lithium again he had sent me for a blood test a few weeks earlier as he said it was an option but they had great concerns about my safety on it. He then brought up a graph on his computer screen and showed me and cc. The chart showed when I was on lithium in 2010. It showed my levels and showed that most of the time I wasn't at therapeutic level I was either under or well over. So this he said proved the lithium didn't help and he backed this up by flicking through my notes to that time to a piece written by my last psych saying I was suicidal and distressed. I thought I was stable during that time. Maybe I am only remembering the good times?

I agreed to give the quetiapine increase a go.
The whole appointment lasted 1hr 20 I was drained when I came out.
I then went to 3 different chemists to get my new prescription no one had the 50mg tablets. I ordered it through my village chemist and took the remainder of my old script to make 100mg last night.
Today I went to pick up the ordered script to be told they had probs getting it but had 150mg tabs I told the pharmacist that would be ok as would prefer to take all at night because of driving and work. He said he had to speak to psych to check. 1 hour later after several phone calls back and forth via psychs secretary etc it was decided i have to go back tomorrow when they should have sourced 50mg tablets.
So angry all this wasn't sorted. I felt like a criminal in chemist like I was trying to fiddle my scripts or something.
I came home fuming and ordered the Amitriptyline I have been tempted to buy the last few weeks. My impulsive side just came out and I just did it.
Spoke to my cc and told her I've ordered the Amitriptyline she said it was silly. Suppose it was really but that's just the way things are when you are impulsive.
And now I'm left with the anger still simmering away, that is leading to self harm thoughts and the way I feel at the moment I glad I ordered the Amitriptyline just a shame it's gonna take a while to get here.

Thanks for reading x