Struggling to cope

So I'm not really sure what to write. All I can write is about the present and how I am struggling.
My OT has told me on the phone this morning to use distraction, do something practical, write something on my Angry Heart journal about what's happening now.

I have done something practical today but it is something that will be frowned upon. I have planned and typed out my funeral wishes. The pieces of music a speech to be read by vicar and have even inserted my favourite poem. It sounds really morbid and I suppose it is, but where my mind and mood are at the moment my funeral doesn't seem to far away. I am having to fight suicidal urges almost constantly. Thoughts are ruminating in my head leading to plans like timings, methods etc. This is a cycle I can't break at the moment. I have no idea what is stopping me but whatever it is can surely not last. As the thoughts get stronger I am getting tired and giving up seems more and more appealing.

I hate this illness, I hate how I feel worthless, selfish and generally a bad person. These thoughts, my emotions, my reactions to everything are breaking me down. I know I am not the illness but when it affects your life in so many ways it's hard not to think I am it and that's what makes me who I am.

I know all this can be treated and I can recover, I have been told so many times. But when you are dealing with this shit day after day it's hard to imagine recovery. It's hard to keep hanging in there while you work on healing.

And so the hours continue to pass by and the thoughts go round and round...oh how I wish it would end.